An exploration of my Zonai identity [Part 1 /?]

[sundelionfields]

It was a few months ago, on a particularly rainy day, I found my mind was wandering to a familiar and re-occurring topic: the idea that I was a Zonai.

I am not even sure how to properly begin this entry, format it, or how to even journal properly. However it is my hope that I will keep up with this, being able to connect with others, and learn more about myself. This first entry is likely to be word soup as I just get my surface levels thoughts into this journal on a topic entirely new to me.

Otherkin, or fictionfolk, was something I was entirely unfamiliar with, in the sense that it had not been something I felt I ever experienced. Having openly been therian for over a decade, I knew many otherkin, fictionfolk, etc, but never considered myself apart of that community. I felt secure in who I was, up until like that particularly rainy day, and may days before it, where my mind simply could not get off the repeating thought - something feels wrong again.

At the time, I had no idea what felt wrong, something just did. I cannot explain it, at least not right now, but my body felt incorrect again. Oddly I did not piece two and two together that I had been increasingly feeling uncomfortable in skin and new, odd, phantom feelings... I felt so drawn to the Zonai, for no reason I could explain. I went through a typical "do I just really like them or do I want to be them", but after some solid alone time to sit on my feelings, and meeting another Zonai at Othercon, I want, and I think need, to explore this more.

Truly, I wish I could make this journal longer or better, but even now as I sit and type I struggle to manifest the words required on how I came to this conclusion about myself, that I was a zonai, I desired that body, that identity, to be viewed that way. This is going to be a long, winding road. A bumpy one for sure, so I hope all can be patient with me.